Talking about IVF fearlessly

I’m writing this blog to condemn myself. Condemn my fear.

I openly started talking about my infertility and IVF treatments only after I had my twins. Not that whenever I underwent any infertility treatments, I denied it, but I never blogged about it either. Perhaps I thought it’s only after you’re successful at something, do people take you seriously.

I see a lot of people around me shy away from admitting they had an IVF treatment or any infertility treatment. I wonder why? I partly got the answer from my own attitude. I only started openly and publicly talking about my infertility after successfully procreating. When we’re talking about hooking up or AF so openly, why not infertility? It’s human to have an inadequate body function, and it’s OK to get it medically treated.

But even I couldn’t talk about it earlier. Other than my understanding bosses (that too I had to share since I had erratic work timings while undergoing the treatment), I rarely spoke about infertility treatments with my colleagues or friends. And once when I didn’t have an understanding boss, I quit my job. Even though it was the biggest opportunity but I wanted to procreate desperately. Even while quitting, I didn’t have the courage to share the reason for leaving the job, so I lied.

Fast forward, I’m surrounded with an entirely different set of challenges with the twin toddlers and trying to balance everything. But whenever (rarely) I happen to see the marks of my injection ridden thighs or the ever hanging pooch that refuses to part ways with my wide waist, I ask why.

• Why couldn’t I talk about my infertility without the fear of being judged?
• Why couldn’t I share it openly with my colleagues or friends, and strictly no relatives?
• When pregnancy itself is still associated with decreased productivity, how can women talk about infertility openly at workplace?

And it’s not just India but anywhere in the world, inclusive and empathetic workplaces are unreal.


Warning - with this blog I don’t expect pitiful comments for my IVF bravery. I was strong (and so are all the women with or without infertility treatments) but that is something in the past.

For my soul sister

I sit and sip  my Americano at the same Starbucks where Sumit and I checked the beta HCG report to confirm my pregnancy. There happens to be an interesting story before that big discovery. My patience wore off on the last morning of the 2WW and I did a pregnancy test using an insanely old pregnancy home test kit. It turned out to be negative and as heartbroken as I could be I called Sumit who asked me to turn up at Starbucks. Angry and fuming, I wore my highest heels and hopped on the auto that seemed would give me the bumpiest ride. 

As I paced outside Starbucks waiting for Sumit, my mind oscillated between ‘Why me?’ to ‘What next?’ Sumit arrived somehow convinced that we should at least check the beta hcg report before concluding. The pessimist me sipped the coffee as he refreshed dr dang’s website for precisely the 12000th time. What followed were tears, which somehow still continue for different reasons.

Today, I sit here sipping my coffee in those minuscule my moments of sanity. And all I can say...life is truly amazing. Different times, different challenges but the pieces eventually fall in place together.

As my soul sister enters motherhood, my heart is filled with immense joy, love and a reinforced belief that it all works out in the end. I want her to know that while her whole self will revolve around the baby, she’s most special. There will be days when she feels a gush of love but there might be days when she feels inadequate or low. Just remember that there are no perfect mommies but just insanely in love women who have to take care of lil’ pieces of their hearts outside their body. Don’t forget the amazing you and take care of yourself since that’s the only way you can be the great mommy you’re meant to be. 

For everything else, we’re right here. 

Thank you endometrium

It’s been more than a year that I’ve written a post for this blog and I feel horrible. It seems like I’ve lost the last drop of my energy to two insanely cute and grossly irritating and demanding toddlers. I feel guilty whenever I complain now. It was the only thing I desired for years. To have a baby. Of course, it was the greatest miracle and some superpower that my endometrium or lining agreed with two implanted embryos who eventually grew into the cutest twins.

It’s amazing that with all the medicinal advancements, the success of IVF is hugely dependent on something that the infertility specialists cannot control - Implantation. They can increase the chances of implantation as they prep your lining to be healthy, but doctors still cannot control what goes on inside you after injecting your (hopefully) prospective babies.

It’s like god’s way of reminding you that not everything is in your control.

If you’re out there waiting for the result (the dreaded 2WW), keep the faith. And if it didn’t work out this time, remember never ever give up hope. If your heart really desires, the stork will find a lil’ one to be delivered to you sometime really soon.

Advice. Thanks but no thanks.

From have you tried this IVF specialist? You know you must. He/ She hasn’t disappointed anyone, you know. Concerned family and friends gave many suggestions. Some suggested homeopathy and some suggested Ayurveda (yes, we even went to Old Delhi hakim). Some overly concerned ones even suggested a 90+ year old STD doctor who attributed my infertility to a sexual disease which either Sumit or I might have acquired before marriage. We had to literally escape the old doctor before she could make us do weird things.

I know family and friends around are concerned if a couple doesn’t procreate after 3 years of marriage. After 5, they think it is their birthright to give unsolicited advice. No matter how concerned, I feel people around an infertile couple must realize that it is a highly sensitive issue. If they need your advice, the couple will probably ask for it. Till then, keep your precious views to yourself.

The other thing about advice is that no one really understands till the person goes through the experience. There are only a handful of people who learn from others’ experience. For example, I never realized how critical it is to have kids early in life while you still have the energy and earning capacity, and so do your folks. Children need a lot of your energy and given the current jobs, traveling, and unhealthy lifestyles, the earlier, the better. As we reach the disturbing end of 30s, it become a herculean task to manage the little things, and especially in today’s day and age where you want to do everything right.

That apart, whenever someone asks me for the best IVF specialist around. I always tell them the one who worked for me is the best for me but may not be true for you. 

The curious case of Ms Cyst

There’s always been a lot of mystery around ovarian cysts. Personally, after meeting so many infertility specialists and gynecologists, I haven’t been able to figure out whether cysts are deterrent to fertility and if I ever had PCOD. Most women are known to have cysts and it’s pretty normal but it suddenly transforms into a villain during ultrasounds. If the infertility specialist finds repeated cysts in your repeated ultrasounds, there you go, your villainous cysts are blamed for those repeated heartaches. You start on a journey of killing those cysts.

As if the mystery around cysts wasn’t enough, there are many types of cysts. Like the follicle cyst, chocolate cyst (happens if you have a condition called endometriosis), Corpus luteum cysts (whatever that means), and the rest.

If you have PCOD, which I was told I had, you tend to gain weight (I had something to blame after guzzling cheese oozing pizzas and bowls of creamy hummus bathing in pita bread). You tend to have a lot of hair (I had something to blame for that one hair always sticking out of my chin…aargh). You tend to have a deeper voice (I had something to blame for people mistaking me for a male on phones). You tend to have hair loss (I had something to blame for my hair loss, of course it wasn’t the three times rebonding attempt). You tend to be depressed (I had something to blame every time I was depressed to see a Vicky donor sort of movie).

Jokes apart, I don’t think I had PCOD. I had nothing actually and due to my panicking and a hasty decision to get laparoscopy done (along with ovarian drilling at only 30), I suffered from a loss of both egg quantity and quality.

So a big shout to all those women trying to conceive, do not panic and ask your doc a lot of questions no matter how busy the doc is. 

What is the right age for an IVF treatment?

Is it 30 or 35? The right age to think of an IVF treatment.

I hear people often say that infertility is on the rise. Is it because women are getting married late? Or is it coz we are consuming chemical infused fruits and vegetables? Perhaps its coz of the high pollution levels. Well, I think it’s primarily due to our impatience.

If you go to an infertility specialist, you will never be told that you perhaps are too young for any infertility treatment or you need to consult a gynecologist first. The assumption is that you already are infertile. When I received my first IVF treatment at Fortis La Femme IVF Clinic, I was shocked to see a 25-year old who was married for 3 years and undergoing the treatment. Not sure about the reason for her decision at such a young age but I used to wonder – why wouldn’t the doctors suggest her to try naturally? Why couldn’t she consider IUI? Why couldn’t she wait for a few years as she had age on her side?

As I kept wondering, the day of the Embryo Transfer (ET) arrived. There she was howling and seething in pain, on a wheelchair, with her mom on one side and mom-in-law on the other, consoling her. She had a condition of hyper stimulated ovaries and the doctors decided not to go ahead with the transfer. Did she have hyper stimulated ovaries coz of her young age? What had mistriggered, I wondered?

Shouldn’t there be a cutoff age to consider IVF? In fact, there should be an upper age limit too. Heard about the 72-year old in Punjab having a son? As per the Indian Society for Assisted Reproduction (ISAR) president-elect Dr. Narendra Malhotra, the upper age-limit for a woman to undergo IVF treatment is 45 years and no more. Why not have a lower age limit too? Unfortunately, one of the past presidents of ISAR, Dr. Hrishikesh D Pai, was the one to treat the 25-year old mentioned above.

Since IVF is not a disease, a lot of infertility specialists treat it like a cosmetic surgery. In the absence of laws to govern it, the doctors do what they please and also what some unreasonable couples seek.  

How much does an IVF cost?

It's one of the biggest concerns when couples are considering an IVF treatment. Whatever the cost of the treatment, let me tell you (which no one else really thinks about) the cost of a failed IVF. The cost of a failed IVF is intense heartache that may take days and sometimes months to heal. There's a piece of your heart that dies forever. Every time you see the bruises on your thighs or tummy from the 30+ shots, the painful memories keep coming back to remind you of your incapability. I always say that IVF takes a huge toll financially, physically and mentally but that's just an understatement. Unless you have a really patient and caring family, and especially husband, it's hard to recover. 

Since I've had the tendency, IVF treatments have made me gain weight too. The doctors, without informing you, will administer steroids that obviously lead to weight gain. Imagine the double trauma of having to lose despair and weight. 
  
Infertility clinics, typically, have IVF packages. Usually, the cost of a package does not include the cost of the medicines, laboratory tests and any precondition that might have to be treated to get you IVF ready. For example, I required a laparoscopy before the first IVF, biopsy before the second and another laparoscopy before the third. For reasons beyond comprehension, IVF or infertility are not covered under medical insurance in India (which makes you feel all the more worse for spending so much money from your own pocket). Insurance companies feel that IVF is not a disease for which you go to the doctor but a condition, and therefore most commonly not covered. Now the debate if it should be or not, is a topic for another blog. 

One should be prepared to spend around Rs. 2 lakhs (under a package at Fortis or Max) and another Rs. 50,000 for the medicines and tests. If you have to be treatment to prepare for an IVF, then consider another Rs. 50, 000 - 1 lakh depending on the severity of the condition. 

After a failed IVF, the doctors suddenly might lose patience with you (you're a bad case study for them) but don't forget to follow up for possible reasons of the IVF failure. In the 3 attempts I've had, the doctors never educated on what to do if IVF fails or succeeds. So in case of failure, stop the medicines and wait for your periods (which normally should happen in a week or so). If the cycle is successful, continue the medicines after confirming with the doctor and wait for your 6-weeks scan.