Dil ye bekarar kyun hai

When I thought of starting this blog, I thought I'll take a chronological journey. Like when did I start to get worried about my infertility and how I panicked about not having a baby. But then, that would have been drab and perhaps unoriginal. So like a weird artistic movie, I'll just go back and forth. Please accord.

Kyun tere siva saari duniya se hoon main bekhabar...

Dil ye bekarar kyun hai
Ispe dhun sawaar kyun hai
Kyu hai ye khumaar kyun hai, Tu Bataa

The song played on and on, repeatedly. And I sang along, repeatedly. Strange that I found the lyrics of this romantic song from Players apt for my imaginary baby. It was the 2-WW (two week wait) after my second IVF with Dr.Sonia Malik at Southend Fertility & IVF Clinic. It took a year to recoup from the first failure. And I made this, I think, brave attempt to go through the tedious rounds of injections and pills yet again. 

Much to my (or anyone's) disliking, I was required to undergo innumerous tests and an excruciatingly painful biopsy before starting the actual process. Thankfully with all test results in place and an extremely pleasing and positive rolly polly doctor, things looked up. The AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) was still a concern. AMH is a blood test that indicates if you have a decent egg reserve (it is not an indication of the egg quality but somehow it is believed that low egg quantity also means low egg quality). 

I had (or probably again have) a condition called Endometriosis, which is deterrent to egg quality. With the help of laparoscopy (which am not sure was required or not), I had got a chocolate cyst removed (that happens 'coz of Endometriosis) before my first IUI cycle. But the Endo had come back and so had some persistent cysts. But Dr. Malik decided to go ahead and was able to extract 4 eggs, of which, 2 embryos were made and transferred. These two were A-grade (8-cell) embryos. And these 2 (or at least one, I thought) became my prospective baby (after Embryo transfer you tend to think that you're already pregnant). 

Now anyone who has gone through 2-WW knows just how crazy this time is. Something or anything small seems like a pregnancy symptom. You know you should not be too hopeful, yet you are. You know you should not be too stressed, but you are. And so was I. I dreamed and dreamed, prayed and prayed. All that without coffee (I already gave up my soothing friend as its known to deter conception).

After the two weeks (spent in utter anxiety), I had Beta HCG report in front of me and I couldn't even cry. The pain to see a <2 UI/I result was so that I couldn't react at all. I had lost again and so did my prayers and love. Everything. The world had shattered, yet again. And I returned to that same empty space, again.

Now, I think of the futility of it all. The needless worry, reading about everything on the net and blaming the callousness of the doctor, somebody's 'buri nazar', the extra salt I had in the meal and a day that I forgot to pray. 

I realize the futility of it all even more every time I look at the miracles, my miracles. One of the 8-cell embryos (from my third IVF attempt) is turning into the most adorable talkative doll and the other embryo is turning into an energetic & restless stunt baby (jumping relentlessly to punjabi songs). 

And all the pain I endured...what pain?